Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

I was 100% convinced a few years ago that I was to study abroad in Kenya. I started learning Swahili, researching the culture and history, and thinking of nothing but Kenya from the day I made the decision to go. A week before my flight I experienced one of the worst days of my life: Denison prohibited me from going based on a lack of political stability (the Dec 27 2007 elections turned violent). I reluctantly ended up in South Africa.

While there, a friend of mine invited me to attend an informational meeting nearby about a spring break trip to Mozambique. After a lot of thought, I decided to go on the trip. Since scuba diving was part of the trip, I decided to become certified.

While in Mozambique, I was presented with two options: either remain an open water diver and rarely dive the rest of my life or invest a ton more time and money to become an instructor, and make it back over the course of a year off after undergrad.

It's hard to believe that it was all without reason. Look what has stemmed from one of my worst days I can remember. I would not have visited Meg in Hawai'i or met all of her friends, would never have made it to the Philippines or met the Fajardos, Armand, Marin, Brett, Mark, Chris, Jay, Tomi, Maria, or the rest of the crew at Capt'n Gregg's, and never would have been to Indonesia or Singapore meeting the Weckerlings, or the dive crews at Buddha and Lutwala Dive. I would not have a one-way ticket to Australia and certainly wouldn't be lined up to work for Broadreach this summer.

It's hard to say one way or another, but if these things hadn't played out as they did, I might not have this yearning for a massive upheaval of societal restraints. Speaking of, I've received more feedback on that blog post than on any other; responses have run the gamut of encouraging, apprehensive, inquisitive, discouraging, curious, and fearful.

The feeling to temporarily sever ties from civilization is not new, but it has been occurring much more frequently and clearly over the past few months which is why I finally said something about it. I've pandered the idea in a hypothetical light until recently when I at last posed the question: what's holding me back? When this question could not be answered, my mind began to roll with the idea of actually doing it and it's been snowballing ever since, gaining momentum every day although I am still incredibly uncertain whether or not I will act upon the urge. Here are a few obstacles I have thus far recognized: not having enough camera batteries (you'll have to fight me and pry my camera from my hands if you think I should do an adventure of this degree without taking photos – it's the one piece of technology I insist upon), lack of support, lack of emergency contact, location (where is it legal to just plop down and live on the land anymore?), and lack of training.

Here's the thing: I have this spark right now and I recognize that it is but a spark; if I don't let it ignite, it will be extinguished and I will live the rest of my life wondering what could have happened. Like I've said, I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know where to go, I don't know for how long, I don't know how to do it, and I don't know what I expect to get out of it. All I know is that for some reason or other I have a serious urge to live for a while with no connection to the world as I know it.

Playing a Lion Being Led to a Cage

I've been having strong feelings lately, like messages from within that can't be silenced. Believe it or not my friends, I feel like I'm selling myself short. Sure I'm on the other side of the world taking 18 months to teach scuba diving, but honestly I'm not completely satisfied. Too many things about my way of life simply don't seem, well... right.

I've assessed my life here in my humble accommodation on this meager island out in the middle of Indonesia. As much as I don't want to admit it, I'm a slave to civilization, a pawn in man's deliberate quest to detach himself from natural being. Here's a list of a few brilliant inventions surrounding me that man has created to better his life over the course of thousands of years: brick, mortar, chair, bed, fan, toilet, sink, running water, pavement, light bulb, motorboat, restaurant, computer, the list goes on. All of these and other great inventions which I have been successfully trained to love and rely upon my entire life are for what purpose? Are these inventions a means to a “better” life or simply hindrances to a truer life? Let me put it straight. What are you living for? What are the most important things to you in life? Have you found true happiness or simply discovered things that make you smile?

As for these instinctual feelings I've had, here are some details. I want to get away. I want to leave the grips of civilization for a while. I am yearning to get away from it all and live where nothing can hinder natural life. For how long, I don't know. In what way, I don't know. Where, I don't know. Why it is so strong now and never before, I don't know. All I know is that these feelings are real. Are they any stronger in my soul than in my neighbor's? I propose that it is not a matter of having these feelings but rather recognizing and listening to them. Listen to yourself. Where is all of this suddenly coming from though? Is this what it feels like to get a message from God? Perhaps could it be a human instinct no different from the desire to obtain food? Maybe there is simply something wrong with me and I need to snap back into reality and sort my life out as it should be. Nay, I implore you: those who have resigned yourselves to the goals put forth by society, open your eyes! Open your minds! Listen! We are only sculpted by society as much as we allow ourselves to be. Go to school, get a job, make money, wear fancy clothes, get married, buy a house, own an expensive car, have children, teach them to do the same thing, retire, and die. Anything we do outside of that framework seems to be simply a brief break from that unalterable plan. How are we supposed to find meaning in life let alone find ourselves if we're always busy trying to stick to that program? Even I could come up with excuses all day long why someone might not want to break the mold. However not a single one is more important than following your dreams.

Did I forget to mention that a tourist died right off the north end of the island while snorkeling a couple days ago? The fragility of life makes the question ever more pressing. What are you living for?

So here I stand on the uncharted frontier of my life, a stranger to closed roads. The shackles of society around my ankles can still be heard with every step I take and the scratches on them are clear evidence of many attempts of removal. Alas, they hold strong for now. As the morning dew lifts, I stretch my arms and gaze in awe upon the multitude of options. One deep breath fills my lungs with new fresh air and clears my head. Without wasting another moment, I step into the unknown. There is no destination, but only direction: forward.