As I've said before, I have very little excuse to complain based on where I'm living, what I'm doing, and how much fun I'm having along the way. However good days wouldn't be good unless you have bad days to give perspective. If there were 365 days of happiness a year, life would be boring. Feelings of sadness, frustration, or anger are not only normal but necessary for a healthy balanced emotional life. Sure this is coming from someone who hardly knows the difference between Freud and Pavlov or Plato and Confucius, but considering how much I love life no matter what obstacle it throws at me, I would say that I have at least a little room to talk.
Where were we... ah yes, singing the blues. It would be painfully dull for everyone to get a narration of the goings-on of every downer I've had and I wouldn't wish anyone to read a post like that. What is much more relevant is how I Feel about things. The problem is that I don't really know how to describe my feelings in words. I've experienced a high concentration of humbling conversations over the past week. It started during my last few days on Passion and continued well into my first several days back at my old job. It's a varied combination of people being tired of me, sick of talking to me, disagreeing with my actions, reprimanding me for not doing something a particular way, and scolding me for asking questions. I can deal with quite a bit being dished at me, but the fact that it is incessant is getting under my skin. All of these feelings lead me to believe that I'm not very professional, competent, fun to talk to, or a hard worker. I know myself and I know that I have all the best of intentions and I'm always just trying to do my best but sometimes it's simply not enough of a consolation. Sometimes, people can just make you feel so small that you can't even be seen, then someone else comes along and takes the liberty of crushing you down even smaller. It's interesting how every once in a while a ton of negativity comes crashing down at once.
These thoughts then lead me further to the heart of those feelings to discover that I am weak and alone. I have no friends or family here. I am alone in the crowd. There is no one here to talk to, to hug. No one who understands who I really am.
In a couple days I'll be completely over it all (actually I already feel better), but for now I'll keep hanging in there. As I was saying before, without the bad days, good days just wouldn't taste as sweet.
